October 24, 2010


This isn't the first time
I'm coming begging 
To You again.

I'm so much ashamed
and won't even show my face
To You Lord.

But have mercy this time again
Don't turn nor hide Your face 
from me I pray.

Cause I'm about to burn out
Too tired of running
From the ghosts of my past
Too tired of trying
To show I can beat them all.

Take my heart Lord
Hold my hand just like before
And I wanna give You all
and tell You all again
these hurts, this emptiness, these pains
I have had when I have forgotten
and was gone away.

Hear me Lord
and don't let me go
Cause I don't wanna go that way anymore.


As much as I wanted to write again, I guess I have lost the ability. It has been long time since I wrote one nice piece.

Though this one is so simple,still I will take time to polish it, I am grateful I was able to put into words a bit of what I wanted to pray. never mind the art, please get the message.

October 17, 2010


It was a time I have to deal with my own self. Time I needed to be alone and figure out all what I really wanted to do. I may sound funny but that's the best reason I had to have let you left me.

At that time I was feeling confused and regretting some of the decisions I have made in my past, I was depressed. My stupidity, my disobedience to Him, my stubbornness seemed to be like a flashback in a movie to me... 'skeletons in my closet' as termed. Soon after, they even haunt me in my sleep. I know you would tell me, 'I have done worse than you', 'it's all part of growing..' I won't argue. If you know me well,you know my remonstration with that.

Battling with my own self, I have to give up a lot of things. Things I know are fleshing out my depression, because at the same time I was depressed, I cannot accept to myself that there was nothing I must be proud of. I have to put the pressure to myself. I have move and make something I will find worthy. Something I will soon feel rewarding..The reason I even find the conversations we have had as barren. boys, flirting, gossip... you can add more. And spiritually, I can hear the deafening call of Him to me to which at that time, I am trying to ignore because I fear being accountable. 

... and so I AM SORRY.  First because I have to put the wall between us. Second, because I didn't want to be thinking the same way as we all do. I wanted to change me. My mentality. I want to be better than who i am at that time because inside me I know I can.

... and I wanted to respond to Him. With that, I have to safeguard myself.

September 1, 2010

A LETTER (i love reading this)

it is almost a betrayal.

starving, struggling, striving poet that i proclaim to be, i never wrote down anything about you and me.

it's not that there is nothing worth writing about us. on the contrary, everything about us is. but i never wanted our life, our experiences, my thoughts on things that borders my life with your own to be mere topics, subjects for write-ups, drafts, poetry practices, or blog pieces.

I have always wanted my life with you to be memories for me to hold on to, not as mere topics for the other me who bears the this name.

I have hopes that one day,with you, i would be able to reconcile the little boy who i was who became a man, with this shell, this mask, this face, this persona who bears this name that i had to create to survive horrors thrown against me, many of them horrors and tremors i sought out for myself in my desire to be a writer of my people.

perhaps i would.

but i am no fool. time is one element that is always flowing. and with my memory going as it is, what was once a bonfire is now slowly flickering out. i can feel the flames of my memory lose their heat, their strength, their warmth, and i am afraid that when it sputters out, i may also lose everything that i have of you.

and so i am writing them down.

and perhaps one day, when i am gone, and you would wonder why i never wrote about us, you may find these fragments, these fragile words that in their shape and awkwardness attempt to hold the form of how i rediscovered life with you, of how i lived my life with you, of how it was to be able to dream again.

may my memories always stay strong and true as i write our memories. and may these memories one day bring me to you.

(REPOSTED, for intellectual property rights, all credits belong to YUMMIE)

July 23, 2010


The precious times I am having with Lolo Steve are exemplary, magnificent, superb, priceless...all the superlatives... I love every minute of talking with him. I would love to acquire his wisdom. Sometimes, I would get bored listening to his self-praising adlibs but when he starts to tell stories about well known personalities, science, history, and world economy, I would forget all my scheduled tasks and listen to him.

CONVERSATION 101 (Relationship= Friendship)

LS- Lolo Steve
MK- Memory Keeper

LS: You should not think like that, you should think broadminded, you try understand each other ya, because
you know, you women need always someone to listen to you especially you are away from home because you are emotional.

MK: I don't care, I just dont want to talk to her. That's it Lolo.

LS: Ok, ok.. You know the cone ya? (he tries to draw a triangular shape in a piece of paper lying on the table) You see, relationships are sometimes like cone ya, two of you getting closer and closer untill you two so, so, so close and no space to move..then you bump to each other, hurt each other, then one will try now hide things from other, then one gets hurt.. That's it.. You stupid cow, you should try understand, that's human being... (all in his Chinese grammar and accent)

Then his tone going down...

LS: Ok? Try to look this way, try understand her, she needs privacy, she don't want you hear what she do, then you be broadminded. Ok?

***come to think of it, it has been a year since I heard this from Lolo steve and it was the first allegory I heard from him. I marked it in my heart. i think this advice is beautiful.

July 16, 2010


Yeah, I have been a skinty rat for the past two months...I mean until now.

How come? I was to extend my visa for a year. My previous employer told me they cannot give me sponsorship for my next course as its already a managerial course, not even any of my line managers finished the course I am currently taking.

To sort it out, I have to find an employer who could offer me a placement for my course to which I found one in the next town though. It should be alright for me, the problem was they cannot let me work unless I have my new visa...Ohhhhh, I am now stucked!

I am ok though, I can still manage with my house rent and my food is free,not unless I choose to go out to eat. My landlord who is the most generous man on earth is charging me the cheapest rent and is giving me free food. To recoup, I try to help in his business, a Chinese Restaurant, and still, he has to pay me for every little job he asks me to do. I have already become an ear to listen to his moans, a delivery girl to deliver food orders with or without him from his Take Away shop,well, keeping all the coin tips in my pocket. I also was an assistant to his staff going to the bank and explaining to the banker what the staff wanted.. been his P/A when applied for his 60's benefits like senior citizen's ID, been a secretary encoding for his Management Agreement for his other Shop, a waitress, a take away counter cashier, call receiver.. ohhh a lot.. But I am enjoying these jobs don't get me wrong.  The best part of it is my moments with him, my Lolo Steve, my landlord and boss at the moment when he tries to advice me, and gives me lessons not one university in this world would offer. Then I have decided to be a millionaire. Given the chance, I would... God willing, I will be.

Yeah, I am as poor as a rat... But I have taken all my time to make my plans all ready for the chance.

June 23, 2010

catch me if i fall

"...did you write something here about me?"
"No, I didn't. I don't want to."

But then I decided now to write our story. Because if it will end, I might not have the courage to even recall how it all began.


"Look at me, straight into my eyes."
"I can't, I just cant... Please don't put us in this situation. This should not be."
"I know we like each other, can't we start a relationship? Atleast we have learned from whatever happened in the past."
"I don't know...can you just let me go?"
"If you will go like this, I am sure you will not want to see me anymore.."
Do you remember this? The conversation before it has all fallen to this situation?

Now that it all happened, and now that we almost swear to each other we dont want this anymore, would you agree now that I am right? That we should have been better as we are before?

Dont let me hate you. Just say goodbye.

April 30, 2010

It's Hard To Say Goodbye

After contemplating of the past, counting regrets... I guess, its about time to cut loses.

It's hard to say goodbye. Just when you would turn your back to that something that has become part of you, it feels like you getting limp. It catches like a double edged knife. I still wish it does... but when it consumes you even in your sleep and you wake up like you have been deprived of air for an hour, you would wish physical hurt is better to surpass.

But this time, I just realized it's a lot better to suffer now than trying to save something you know is hopeless. Yes, you heard me, OURS is useless. It has been good growing with you. A part of me if not became sturdier became more gentle. The bottom line: I have learned.

You were beautiful. You are still. When I see you, I see the flashes of laughters I have had. I knew I wasn't that greedy at some point in my life because I had someone to share my love. Thank you for reciprocating.

I'm not saying goodbye because I don't have the affection anymore we started with... nor I think you don't feel the same too. Without guilt, we know its about time to stop hurting each other. I can still feel the same atmosphere when you look at me, just like those times you would hold my hand and assure me we will go through. It's only this world. You have grown different from where I was raised and can't seem to think of how the opposite poles join at the end. i do understand that you see yourself better with someone you share the same reflections. I still want to believe you thought of the possibility of us... but you were scared. I am scared too. I know its possible. The God of whom I believe would move mountains for us. But, I guess, its still best to let go and just to savour the memories.

Thank you baba.



There's something in your eyes that's far too revealing

Why must it be like this a love without feelin'
Something is wrong with you I know
I see it in your eyes
Believe me when I say
It's gonna be okay

I told you from the start I won't be demanding
I won't be demanding
If you have a change of heart I'll be understanding
I'll be understanding
When love becomes a broken heart and dreams begin to die
Believe me when I say
We'll work it out some way

I'll never try to hold you back
I wouldn't try controlling you
If it's what you want
It's what I want
I want what's best for you
And if there's something else that you're looking for
I'll be the first to help you try
Believe me when I say
It's hard to say goodbye

We've lost that loving touch we used to feel so much
I try to hide the truth that's in my eyes
The love without feeling
But when I feel we're not in love, I know I'm losing you
Believe when I say
We'll work it out some way

I'll never try to hold you back

I wouldn't try controlling you
If it's what you want
It's what I want
I want what's best for you
And if there's something else that you're looking for
I'll be the first to help you try
Believe me when I say
It's hard to say goodbye

Don't say goodbye

If it's what you want
It's what I want
I want what's best for you

I'll never try to hold you back
I wouldn't try controlling you
If it's what you want
It's what I want
I want what's best for you
And if there's something else that you're looking for
I'll be the first to help you try
Believe me when I say
It's hard to say goodbye

I'll never try to hold you back
I wouldn't try controlling you
If it's what you want
It's what I want
I want what's best for you
And if there's something else that you're looking for
I'll be the first to help you try


April 14, 2010

29 and yellow roses

School year 2001- College of Education, Saint Louise Univerity, Baguio City
Come to think of it, its been almost 9-10 years had passed... But its the time frame that had stressed it more...

Its funny that on that year(2001), I have made myself a sign of 'who could be he'. Upon hearing my professor saying she is a strong believer of signs as they guide her on making decisions...I did figure out in my mind one funny sign that would tell me 'he is the one.' Somehow, when I would meet a guy and he would do this certain act, then I know it would be him...

well, I had been believing the sign i asked would really tell me.. since then, when I was 19 years old no one has ever given me flowers, -roses, yellow roses to be exact- until the day I turned 29... I never expected so.

True to my senses, while I was celebrating my birthday, in the middle of the dinner,an unexpected visitor turned up and put my body to 100volts. he then handed me a bouquet of roses, with all colours, four stems of yellow roses together with the rest..

I was supposed to be happy. honestly I was. Plus the fact that I haven't seen the giver for almost a month, I was supposed to be in desperation to seeing him. honestly, I was again. But when I saw the flowers...it numbed my brain! with that, I wasn't able to feel anymore.

Prior to this event, if you have been reading my previous post, I have already expressed my decision not to see this man anymore. I still believe that I have made the right decision. I am getting there. Almost a success. even if its tearing me apart. Yes, There were times I almost about to give up, to press the keys and viola! I could be happy again..but i chose to curl down and sleep. else, face the lappy and stalk on others. am i being silly?...whatever!

I still believe in that sign. Dont get me wrong... the reason why I'm keeping the distance is that if he is then the one, whatever happens since he fulfilled the sign, things would go down to the bottom in the end.. maybe...

PS,to the flower giver,thank you. til we meet again.

March 16, 2010

وداعا, [تيل] يلتقي نحن ثانية 'Til We Meet Again, Inshallah

'You fucked my life!', he was shouting like mad. I have never seen him like that before.. just that night. And in the next few minutes, he was crying like a baby,'please, please, you just don't understand...'

That day, I have decided to finally finish everything. It was all planned. Two months before that day, I know I will be all ready and geared up to end things peacefully. While everything was smoothly going on as the day approaches, something just came up. He wasn't ready to accept it.

I lied. I cheated. I played.

He came for a talk. He asked for it. Or maybe he was obliged to do so because he was so scared. I enjoyed every minute of seeing how crazy he became, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say and yes, he looked totally messed up on that moment. I was in the upper hand of everything. I was totally in control of the situation until he said, 'Keep it and I will kill myself, I swear.' He wasn't looking at me, his gaze were too far away and his face twitched as if in a moment, he would break the front glass of the car. I can't believe I saw tears falling from his eyes. 'You have to choose.'

I know inside me, I don't need to. There was no choice for me. But just to keep him calm and to lighten up the atmosphere, I held his hand and said, 'Okay, if that's the right thing for you, I will,now I need to go.' Then he said, 'Dont go please, I will give you money, I will sell this car, I will buy you ticket,just please cancel your flight tomorrow..', ohh, that was all I ever wanted to hear. But I already have made up my mind. It's about time to turn the page over.

...and then the next twists were totally against all my will. But to keep him sane at that moment, I laid down all my cards even if it means stepping down on what I have been believing all my life. This guy who said he fears God does the opposite. Selfish! May God forgive me, but I have known what kind of man he is. Poor scared cat.

We said our goodbyes. That was all the end. 'May you have a good life', he said. 'And you as well..goodbye.'



January 26, 2010


Dear Quesalina,

I could have written to you three years ago. I didn't have the energy to do it. I was consumed by my emotions.

Lately while looking at your photos, your photos and the 'beloved', I wasn't feeling odd anymore. I guess, just like you, I have set myself free too.

I won't ask now why you left, for maybe it could be the same reason I will do the same.And I understand why.

But I have to confess Quesalina that I have envied you so much before. Not only because it was your sarong that he's wrapped with taking the place of your arms as he said, not only because you became reality to him and that he still thinks and believes you are a dream BUT, I envied you beacuse it's the other way around,he became reality you.

In those days, I wish I have not met him and and that I haven't seen you then I wouldn't be feeling like shadow behind you. Then I would'nt race with you nor think of myself as the weaker force.

But at the same time that I felt all those, I have to thank you that you inspired me to find myself... to be the real me and to be the best of me. yes, he must be right when he said, you are different, you are extraordinary. maybe I am the ordinary kind... well, as i thought so.

I know you are the brightest among his stars. I wish I could be his sun... but in the end, I can't find anymore strength to wish.Maybe just like what you did, I could just go.

And if that will happen,will he remember me if he finds someone just as he remembers you when he is with me?



January 13, 2010

Getting Back On My Feet

For the benefit of those who are going, who will go through break-ups.

I must admit the pain you will experience just after ending a relationship is incomparable,that is, if you still love the person. Not a single word would capture it. I guess even the most skilled writer cannot elucidate it. It's beyond words.

But for sure its not the end of the world. We must be aware of that. Even if it feels like dying.

It was almost a week of crying, not breathing normally, self pity and not to include imagining(hallucinating) that 'baba' will feel sorry and come down knocking at the door on bended knees. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. Well,let's all mention the stupidity we do when we are broken hearted, I wasn't able to eat proper food because I just can't. I can't sleep, 2 hours of sleep then I'm up again crying, self pity and still trying to recapture in my memory the happy days I was with him.

So how was I able to get back on my feet?
It started like...
I realized that there was a compulsion for me to get drunk one night. I was able to do it since I am having a day off the next day.I wanna get drunk because its the only way I know I wont feel the pain for a while..I did. I went to my friend's flat then in an hour time, i am totally drunk, dead drunk.

While I was drunk, I rang his cousin then swore to him, shouting on the phone 'your f****n' bas***d liar cousin!!!!' and at the top of my voice,I said, 'I hate him, I hate him, I really really hate him!' and I was crying like a mad cow.

Believe me, it worked, I felt a little bit relieved the next morning I woke up with horendous headache..Never mind the headache, paracetamol will do it.

The next day, i spoke to my family. It is comforting. But I always remember that my mom's words on the first time I experienced this has helped me a lot. I opened up to my momma and I tell you that there is nothing more comforting to hear than your mom's advice when you are troubled.

And lastly,I have to give a big thanks to mr. friendship. Let's call him Handsome. I rang a friend who knows how to listen. it was like 6 in the morning when I can't get back to sleep and I saw he was online. Thanks to skype.

He explained the situation. He made me realized, it could have been prevented since I know Baba's personality.( will continue later)

January 10, 2010


So how am I now?

Still hurting. And the pain is suffocating.

But I have already come to the realization that we should let go of people not worthy of our tears.

I am still hurting, still not having the drive to go on with life and pick up the pieces left for me. but in time , I know I'll get there.

My bags are already packed. I am to order now the box to contain all the bits and pieces remaining in my room and send them home.Then the last thing to do is to hand the boss my resignation letter, wait for the response then book my ticket.(yet all are hanging up-- undecided, decided, then undecided)

My final decision comes when I feel I am well enough to smile and strong enough to stand again. Maybe in two weeks, 2 months... maybe..

till then...

thank you for all the back up words, for all the encouragements. I may not able to write them here in my diary but they are written in my heart.

January 7, 2010


Out of curiousity, I used the search engine to connect all the broken thoughts in my mind. Im not a hacker of any account but I have this skill to find out things easily when I start pressing the keys and using the mind power, I will find what i want..

I was broken to pieces 10000000000000000x. All I found were just photos. just photos. yes, just photos.

And yes, consider me a masochista. Pardon me for being so open, I find writing therapeutic.. Its where I can outpour all my hurts.. Because here, in the situation I am currently at, no one can spare a time to listen.

I blurred the photos to protect whoever they are..

So what now?
-shall I dye my hair so I can be a blondie?
-shall I take a bottle of gluthatione to blanch my skin?
-will I try to be like them????

But I'm not goin to do that.. WHY?

January 6, 2010


To those who have gone through 'broken heart' stage (I guess everybody) would agree to the following lyrics of these songs..

Yeah, these lyrics bites.

I won´t forget the way you´re kissing
The feeling´s so strong were lasting for so long
But I´m not the man your heart is missing
That´s why you go away i know
You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
but there is something left in my head

(That's Why You Go Away by MLTR)

And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?

(Heaven Knows by Price Rick)

I could still recall, those memories of you,
the joy and all your laughter,
the love that we've been through.
Oh I can't believe, you're gone...
I don't want to remember,
the things we used to do,
all the things that remind me of you.
I don't want to hear those songs,
those songs we used to sing,
'cause I don't wanna feel the pain in my heart

(Pain In My Heart by Zoo)

and my favorite...

How Did We Get From Saying I Love You To I'll See You Around Someday
by Great Big Sea
"It's a cold day for September", was all I thought to say
When I saw you on the street the other day
I knew something changed between us, all the talk we made was small
But what do you say to someone when they've heard you say it all?
It's an awkward conversation, in a most peculiar way...

How did we get from saying "I love you" to "I'll see you around
It seemed like only days ago, we had so much to say
Did we take it all for granted?, did it all gets thrown away?
"It calls for rain this afternoon", she finally replied
Then there was such a stuttering silence, that I felt my mouth go dry
We'll talk about the weather, cause there's not much more to say...

Has all the ice been broken,
All our surfaces been scratched
Have all the words been spoken,
Have we finally met our match?
Cause it's an awkward conversation,
In a most peculiar way

January 4, 2010

and today...

it's icy outside.
I am due to work at 3:45- 9:45 shift.

I could hardly breathe.
I have been eating since 6AM. (lots of cuppa tea n coffee+biscuits+chocolates+pringles)
I haven't have a good sleep since last night.

I have been in this same feeling before and after 2days, 2 weeks, 2months.. I will be fine.

January 3, 2010

Walking Away 101

Just tonight, I turned my back...and walked away.

My phone rang at about 5PM. He said, he is near the place where I stay and he is coming to pick me up. He said he wanna take me out. I was supposed to turn him down as I have made my mind not to see him anymore but contrary to what my mind says, I said, 'ok' in a tone not sounding too excited.

I kept the distance trying to show things are just fine and that his showing up is no big deal to me.. perhaps it is a biggie, perhaps it is not.

And why should I not be excited to see him?
We saw each other three days before Christmas day. There were laughters. I gave his Christmas present before he left. Something he always say he needed but had no time to go to the shops.I remember he said he will keep the present and that he will not open it. He said 'Thank you'. He went home still not opening the gift. That's the last meet before tonight.

Christmas day, December 25. My phone was all silent. Dec. 26... Not even a greeting..Nothing. No call nor message. It may hurt to think that he maybe is happy celebrating Christmas with friends...or to scratch more the wound, he maybe is celebrating with somebody else.

On the 27th, I was ill, just after 6hours shift at work, I went home and just by the time I laid my back on bed, I wasn't able to get up. I was suffering overfatigue for working too much the past days. Unable to wake up to get myself anything to eat, I rang him. I said I am ill. He said he would send his cousin to bring me food as he was out of town. frustrated, i burst into tears.. To add more,he said, 'baby, I need to go, if not,they'll gonna finish all the food, then I wont have anything.' just before I heard him say 'bye', I hung the phone up. I felt I was just a rubbish tossed in the bin.

From that day,I know, I am broken. I cried. Then I made up my mind.Not ever to see nor receive his call. Not to mention too that it was his cousin who greeted me on New Year's day. Yes, you can call him names, I wont object at all.

...and tonight, 2hours ago, after making him crazy,asking him to drive all around the town, trying to piss him off the most that i can by not getting out from his car, I almost gave up. I thought I wouldn't be able to do it.

But after he said, he wouldn't care if I would go out with anybody else. I said, 'I hate you. I hate you so much,and you know why i'm hating you so much. You feel so guilty and you pretend its just nothing but the moment I will step out from this car, everything is finished. I do, I hate you so much.' I opened the door, banged it then walked away. I heard him overspeeding, I did pray that may the CCTV camera caught him.

Tomorrow, the next day, next week, my phone may ring... I am quite sure. I still don't know what would happen next but this I am sure, when people leave me hurting, I am not gonna welcome them back.

Goodnight bournemouth! Favor me tomorrow please.

January 2, 2010


If there's one thing I love and I hate about myself, it's that my 'being a strong person.'

Walking around the town one time, I came across with this stress test in a dianetics center. Out of curiosity, I popped in and tried. The procedure was, "Try to think of a situation you think that bothers you...or whatever situation you are in at the moment." The lady giving the instruction was really friendly, chatty, and got this charisma that you would really listen to what she would say. Her accent sounded like that from the Northern England and made it easier for me to grasp her instructions. She made me hold of two metals and there's like a meter where she reads if I am stressed while thinking about a certain situation.

I thought of the situation I am with that guy...(there's nothing really much more interesting to think than the 'all about love' thingy) Suddenly, the meter showed I am really stressed out as the hand that points to how much stressed you are went to the maximum.

She asked me what is the situation. I was a bit hesitant but then I told her. She did say things but did not give any advice. We've talked about life. I shared her experiences I came through while in this country. We even talked about dreams. She did gave me encouragements, and boosted my confidence as she got it from me that I have a very low self esteem.

Before the conversation ended, she said, "My dear, there's nothing wrong with being a strong person. We all want to be strong. But the way I see it, people in your life don't realize that you are vulnerable to get hurt too. You see, people know that you are strong and they can hurt you, leave you and would not even be bothered about how you feel and then soon when they realize that they need you, they come back to you again.. and that should stop"

She made everything concrete to me. At times when I question myself why people treat me the way they do, I thought it's because of individual deviations. I realized all she said is true. Because I am a strong person so people can do that because they know, I am tough and I don't have a hurting heart.

Honestly, in the middle of the night when I'm supposed to be dreaming, I am awake, feeling empty, the loneliest among the loneliest and I always would try to catch back a bit sleep at already wee hours with tearstains on my pillow. You see, I hide my frustrations. I hide my hurts. I hide the realities... But yes, I am hurting, I am crying and I am too vulnerable to get hurt.

Still, I hold no grudges to people, I have no right.. But this time, if they come back, I am not to welcome them, give me that as my right. as one of my fave qoutes of this year, "Life is a series of arrivals and departures."

I bought this book before I left the center. I hope it will make me stronger.

HELLO 2010!


(maybe late but still, I would post it.)
We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

2 faves from my plans (yeah, I did make resolutions=) ):
*READ, READ, READ talaga.=)
*Keep my things tidy at all times.jeje!(coz I can make a mess in 1 minute)especially when dressing up.

..and this year's fave quotes:

I hope you made yours too.